America of the Future
2010: Dateline NBC: To Catch a Terrorist airs.
2015: Citizens may purchase and carry personal nuclear weapons as per the second amendment, as it is everyone’s right to protect his or herself from terrorism.
2017: Bleeding heart liberals demand tougher nuke-control laws after numerous drive-by nukings.
2020: The CW airs America’s Next Top Terrorist.
2025: Government introduces “Adopt a Terrorist” program. Families may “adopt” a well-known terrorist and attempt to eliminate him or her using any means possible. To help, government also legalizes sale and personal ownership of cruise missiles.
2030: Donald Trump launches TerroristMarket.com. Users may “invest” in a terrorist organization (like buying stocks in a company) and receive dividends if the organization is successful.
2032: Government legalizes terrorism in order to tax it. Experts call move brilliant, citing terrorism as a “reinforcing team values” and “encouraging conformity to a single, unifying set of social morals”.
Easter Bunny fired
The city of St. Paul, Minnesota, announced yesterday that it would fire the Easter Bunny, effective immediately. They were removed at the request of Tyrone Terrill, St. Paul’s human rights director. His reasoning was that the Easter Bunny may offend non-Christians.
With the future employment of the Easter Bunny now in doubt, many wonder what lies in store next for this furry fellow. According to an anonymous source, the Easter Bunny “may have been subpoenaed” by the U.S. government and will be held in Guantanamo Bay indefinitely while being investigated for terrorist connections.
“They’re white, and furry, and have beady little eyes,” says Anya Jenkins. “You can’t trust them!”
The Easter Bunny’s lawyer has an entirely different view of the subject. “This is a clear-cut case of animal rights!” he says. “I’m going to take this all the way to take this all the way to the Supreme Court.”
St. Paul could not be reached for comment.
